Compelled, urged by a force to come, sit, meditate, think, pray, be, listen, tell. Pictures and stories that need to be told, need to be spoken into the madness, but have no form. They are the ocean, a wave rushing to the sand, only to be pulled back without ever reaching the shore. Surge forward again, closer, pulled back again to sea. Finally they are here, the water mingling with sand, foam racing up the beach to tell the story of the sea.
The house is asleep. I am supposed to be asleep, but need to sit and write, to pour out these feelings that have been swirling lately. Lit by a Christmas tree, the house is dark with a warm glow. I don’t even really know what I have come to say. Just that I needed to be back, here, writing, telling, recording, sharing. This is not going to be an attempt to catch you up on the rest of the trip that I so miserably failed at properly recording, nor a detailed description of the past six months of life that I haven’t written about. Maybe one day, but tonight no.
Tomorrow is Christmas Eve, and I always tend to get nostalgic and contemplative around big holidays, birthdays, etc. That may be cliche, but there is probably a legitimate reason for it. This year especially I have been longing for peace, and it has been a fight to try to hold onto it (which seems counteractive to fight for peace?). Because we celebrate every other year in Springfield, I have been wanting our Christmases here to be slower, not jam packed with a crazy schedule. Slow, with time for crafts, Christmas movies, walks in nature and the snow, baking cookies, reading books, and creating memories that I can only hope will be etched in our girls’ minds and hearts. It seems like a fight though, because when I make a decision for slow and say no so something, something behind my back slips onto my plate and I somehow have agreed to too much. Which can result in the normal frayed and frazzled behaviour. On top of this, the girls (mainly Juniper) have been sick on and off for the past couple months, and the past couple weeks, Matt has had a cough and I have had a cough that has developed into pneumonia. I’m starting to cough less (thank you, visit to the ER and modern medicine), but my body is still weary from fighting the sick. A few weeks ago, I also developed an ulcer on my eye, and have had to be on medication. On the home front, we have been trying to get Juniper used to sleeping in her crib more so she isn’t in our bed all night, waking us up and us waking her up. With a change like this for a determined little soul it can be hard, with tears of frustration. And with those tears come less sleep for everyone involved (Juniper, me, and Matt). These things in and of themselves are not big deals, but when they come all at once, it wears me down and I have felt spent, emotionally and physically. I have found myself wanting to be knocked out cold by some 48 hour something that required me to be in bed and sleeping for days straight, but that is not the case.
But even though these little bits that can wear, I have also felt immensely blessed. The relationships I have in my sweet little family are overwhelmingly good. Being with my girls, seeing more of who they are each day, how they are growing, learning, and thriving has been such a blessing to witness. My relationship with Matt has been good and sweet; loving with and living with my best friend is one of the greatest gifts I have been given. We have a precious, loving, feisty team here, and I am in love with each of them.
I am most certain there are a bazillion more words I could say, but it is well past midnight, and I need sleep, because we are having people over for breakfast in the morning, and who knows what little soul may need snuggles in the middle of the night.
Here are a few photos that warm my heart.