First let me start by saying I’m sorry if this grey post isn’t what you wear searching for. There are many sparkling blogs out there, full of DIYs & glitter & new favourite things. And don’t get me wrong! I love me some sunshine happy blogs. It’s just that in this season, I’d rather be honest than veneered.
I spoke with my midwife a few weeks ago about how I was feeling, the not myself, anxious, overwhelmed at everything irritable, etc person that ISN’T WHO I REALLY AM! But I couldn’t seem to find a way out. After our chat, and her giving me a brief test, she told me I had postpartum depression. Ummm . . . Ok. I honestly thought postpartum depression was just something you had if you had zero connection with your baby and wanted to hurt someone. Apparently not, and it can come delayed, like in my case. Combined with the seasonal depression I have been dealing with and pregnancy hormones, it’s been an internal tornado of sorts. But I feel like there is some sort of reason now that I have been grappling with this, and it’s not just a pity party that has lasted for months and months. I feel like I have been able to say, “Ok, what now?” And actually have somewhere to turn. I have been getting acupuncture, chatting with someone, letting go of responsibility and trying to not allow myself to feel guilty about not overdoing everything. It’s hard to let go of responsibility when you have a little person whom you are responsible for 24/7, but I’ve been trying.
I am also trying to be more grateful about everything. I know, this is an attitude thing that some people see as a fix all, and i know its not, but I know it will help (hopefully?). I am trying to notice the little things that used to make my heart flutter, the ones that spark joy and send a secret smile to my lips. I am noticing that some of my favourite walking trails AREN’T covered in ice anymore, and we can go for walks sometimes. I am noticing the small wiggles and kicks from the baby in my belly, kicks that are especially excited when Mabel is snuggled up on my belly (I think they are excited to meet their big sister!). I am noticing more how selfless my husband is as he works hard at his job, then comes home and helps me out, whether that means reading a story to Mabel or doing the dishes while I sit after putting Mabel to bed, trying to alleviate pregnant back pain; he’s the best.
And I debated sharing this here, because I don’t want to feel like I have to constantly apologize for not being a happy person all the time. But I would rather go on this journey knowing that the few souls that read this are with me in a way, and I’m not alone in this. I also hope that someone else who is struggling with postpartum depression will find comfort in a companion on the journey. I still want to share snippets of life, as well as snippets of the fight. Because I feel like that is what I am in right now: a fight for joy.
I hear the babes stirring and starting to fuss in the other room; she’s up from her 30 minute nap (because she is a fan of the short nap and I don’t know how to fix it). So I’m off. Thanks for being here.