Life Lately. 18.02.2018 (more accurately, mid-February through Mid-March :))

DOING: I’m currently trapped under a sleeping babe who is taking the second half of her nap in my arms, nursing on and off lazily. She took the first part in the car on the way home from what was supposed to be a hike, but ended up getting rained out by some flash flooding! So she slept a bit in the car on the way back, and after an unsuccessful transfer, fell back asleep in my arms. Usually I would be able to put her down on the bed to finish her nap, but because we all share a sleeping space, that doesn’t work unless Mabel is already asleep. And today, it seems, is not one of those days, but instead a day where nap is protested with constant chattering. Ah well, what can you do besides roll your eyes, smile, and vow for an early night? 🙂

HEARING: I am hearing the wind whipping through the palm trees and rain scattered about, as well as the sound machine from the other room where Mabel is trying to sleep. ::fingers crossed, girlfriend!::

DRINKING: Currently nothing, but I am loving treating myself to an occasional kombucha from my favourite grocery store down the road! Mana Foods, you have my heart. My favourite flavour so far is dragonfruit lemongrass, but lavender melon is a close second.

EATING + COOKING: Right this very moment, I’m savouring a piece of Dove dark chocolate sent to us by my parents for Valentine’s Day (thanks Mum & Dad!). Bu this evening for dinner, we had rice with broccoli, cauliflower, & carrots sautéed with garlic and turmeric, chickpeas on the side for me, chicken for Matt and Mabel. We topped it with a peanut coconut sauce from Heidi at Apples Under My Bed; it was so yummy! Lately we have been eating a few different meals on repeat. We are trying to save our pennies and I don’t want to spend loads of time in the kitchen. After all, we are in Maui and I want to be outside as much as possible soaking in every bit of sunshine and moments of play with the girls and Matt! We have been eating lots of black bean/corn/salsa/guacamole scenarios with either chips, rice, or tortillas, as well as rice/veggies/chicken or chickpeas with varying sauces, or roasted potatoes/steamed veggies. Also, there is the Paia Fish Market a few minutes walk downtown the road, and it’s so tempting to eat a Mahi burger ever single night! But we are trying to be sane people and space out our visits. 🙂

WANTING: I am eyeing these white Bluetooth headphones from Sudio! They are just so pretty, have a long change and play time, are noise cancelling as well, and, well, did I already say they were pretty? 😉

PLAYING: Seeing as we are in Maui, there has been an awful lot of beach play these days. 🙂 Mabel is just loving it! She is always talking about the ocean, beach, and sand. We bring a little bucket with a shovel and a small castle mold, and he is keen on filling her bucket with sand and water, but more so she likes to find other kids (or anyone!) on the beach and play with them. This is all if we can get her to take a break from swimming, because she loves being in the water! She is our little fish, playing in the waves, getting rocked by them and being brave enough to keep chasing them and standing her ground. If we are at Baby Beach (with little waves suitable for kids to play in without assistance) she will swim out until she is chest deep and start singing her “Moana song.” 🙂 When it’s too cloudy or windy for the beach, we take a walk to the park to run around and still feel the warmth on our skin. There has been an awful lot of great play lately. 🙂

DECIDING: We are trying to decide what the next leg of our trip is going to look like! We have one more month in Maui (I can’t believe we’ve already been here a month!), so we will head home March 19th, spend ten days in Squamish unpacking and repacking, then head out April 1st to beeline back down the coast, searching once again for warmth and sun. In moments of downtime while the girls are napping or we are in for the evening, we have been doing research on campsites on the California coast, figuring out how much we should book and how much we should wing it and dry camp. We are leaning more towards the show up and dry camp sort of scenarios, because that seems to suit our pace much more. But worse case if we decide we hate it, we can spend a day randomly and book out the rest of our trip so we know exactly what is going to happen. But I think we should be fine. Our jam is figuring out routines and just how we can work our life into our new space. 🙂

The slowness of life. We were going much harder and felt as though we were constantly busy before, always something that needed to get done, that constant feeling of being behind. And even if somehow we weren’t behind on something, the norm was business, so we FELT like we were behind on something but couldn’t remember what! Since being here, we have slowed more, taking time for syrupy slow days of nothing, leisure walks to the park, lunch, nap with kids, go swim at the beach, dinner, walks after the sun goes down to search for geckos and grasshoppers. Some days have been longer yes, with leaving right after breakfast to be in Haiku by 7:45am to lead worship, then head to Kihei for the day, skipped naps for Mabel and ergo/ car naps for Juni, out to dinner, then home to crash into bed. But we are finding our balance of stretch and rest, knowing it can’t be just one or the other.

LOOKING: Immediately I am looking into our bedroom, through the dark at the wall. 🙂 But I have been looking out the door and out to the mountains, the West Mauis, a lot. The weather has been more overcast and rainy, bringing us indoors or seeking another part of the island where we can find sun. When I look out the the West Mauis there is usually rain and cloud over there, but right to the left of them would be where Kihei is, so we can usually watch and see what that side of the island is doing weather-wise, and if we need to go find sun.

LOVING: Right now I am loving how into singing Mabel is, and how her words and sentence structure have grown in the past couple weeks! She will sing along to the Moana song (singing a lot of the words!) while dancing around the living room. And she also loves going up to worship at the YWAM base to sing songs to Jesus, as she says. She asks “Songs to Jesus with aunties and uncles?” Referring to the other people on base (who have adopted her as their little buddy). It warms my heart that she has this love for music planted so deeply so early, and I hope it only grows.

BUYING: We aren’t buying much on island right now except food and gas, but we have had to buy a new swimsuit for Juniper, as well as a pack of sleepers, because she has grown out of everything we brought! She has also grown out of a large pile of clothing, but she has enough to get through to the end of the trip. Girlfriend won’t stop growing! Which is amazing. 🙂 When she turned five months, we bought her 9m sleepers and an 18m swimsuit. Sigh. And of course, I figured if she is getting a new swimsuit, might as well get Mabel one to match? Lol! It has a long sleeve rash guard which is nice for the amount of time she’s in the sun and rolling in the sand. 🙂

PLANNING: Mabel’s Second Birthday Party! We were planning on doing a hangout with friends/catch up before we leave on our next leg of our journey combined with a party for her, so it’s not going to be a huge deal. I feel like the first birthday is usually the biggest to celebrate the parents surviving, and birthdays after that can be smaller and special without a huge over the top, Pinterest-style fuss (also, with all the unpacking, repacking, trailer cleaning and renovation, we won’t have time to do a whole lot!). But my mother-in-law said that she has already made some gecko decorations for her party, so I guess there will be that as well. 🙂 I am doing a bit of research for her cake, because we don’t give her sugar yet (only a couple bites a few times on very special occasions) and last year, she wasn’t too into the cake bit, mainly the whipped cream and fruit bit. But she does like cookies. So I’m not too sure what I’ll do yet; maybe some sort of date/nut bar sort of thing? Or a cake and jus see how she likes it? One thing I did think of which I’m excited about is natural sprinkles (yes, that is something to get excited over! Lol) I figured I could pulse unsweetened shredded coconut in the blender with some beet juice-bam! Pink sprinkles. Do the same thing with a slight sprinkle of turmeric- yellow sprinkles! And I’ve had an amazing chocolate frosting using coconut cream, cocoa, and maple syrup that is so yummy, so I’ll probably use that. We’ll see how the rest of the party turns out. 🙂

WATCHING: We have been rewatching “Parks and Rec,” which I will always love. My favourite seasons of the series are 3-5, when Ben & Chris are first introduced. Watching Ben & Leslie fall in love makes my heart warm, and Chris is LITERALLY my spirit animal in every way. 🙂

SAVOURING: These last Maui days. Those are hard words to type out, because I cannot believe we have been here over a month and a half, and I cannot believe we are headed home in 11 days! It seems surreal to me that we even had the chance to live here for a bit. I am getting very excited about the next leg of our trip, going home, getting our trailer packed and heading down the coast to camp for several months, but the excitement for that isn’t diminishing what we still have left here. God is doing lots on our heads and hearts, and I will forever be thankful for this time of replenishment and rest.

WEARING: Comfies. 🙂 We went for an early morning walk and got caught in the rain, so when we got home we peeled off our clothes and traded them in for warm comfies. I am currently wearing a charcoal tank top and my blue and white striped Thai pants (if you don’t know what Thai pants are, they are amazing and will change your life! So light and cozy. Get some; do it.) , while snugged under a light blanket on our bed.

READING: I have started to read “Parenting” by Paul David Tripp, and it is SO good and SO challenging! It is all about grace-filled parenting, realizing the grave that has been given to us by Christ, and extending that to our kids. It’s also a wake-up call to realize that we don’t control our kids, and shines light on behaviour tactics we may use to get them do obey rather than giving them grace and finding out the reason behind the behaviour. Yes, I am underlining a lot.

CRAVING: Mmm . . . More wood-fired oven pizza from Flatbread Pizza down the road. We went there for Valentine’s Day while two of our friends generously offered to babysit for a bit, and it was incredible. Pizza is one of my all-time favourite foods, and I am a crust snob to the core. Must be thin, chewy, have a pull, have a sour and slightly charred flavour, but be delicate and light, a balance between the flavours of the crust and toppings. Anyway, I could go on, but the pesto pizza there is IT. Can’t wait to go back at least one more time before we leave island!

FEELING: More at peace. I am recognizing more everyday that this season is just that, a season of adventure, fun, and slow, and that life won’t always be this whimsical and simple. I had been feeling the weight of future decisions that needed to be made, anxious about wanting to make the decisions immediately, even though we don’t have all the information or ducks lined up that we need to make those decisions. So we have to wait. So instead of having this anxiousness follow me around like a prickly cloud, I am continuing to tell myself that nothing can be done right now and distancing myself from it. Because the last thing I would want to do is taint the time we have here in Maui with anxiety about things that we can’t do anything about right now! Just sitting in the tension of the unknown. Once I settled enough to articulate that, I had so much more peace and rest. I also feel like since distancing myself I have been able to see more objectively and have more of an open hand, giving it to Christ to make sure that this is the dream he has for us. Honestly, I had been fighting doing that before, because in my heart of hearts, I was afraid he would say no, and I didn’t want to have to think about that or deal with that! Man am I stubborn. But giving it up to Christ has given me more peace, knowing that His plan and His timing is best in everything. And yes, I do have to keep telling myself that and praying that, because giving up yourself is a daily thing!

Life lately posts inspired by Apples Under My Bed

Sporadic Creative Burst . . . & Some Family Photos.

Actually, if I’m going to be honest with you, this isn’t even a creative burst. It’s a moment when the house is quiet except for the gentle up-down of my baby’s breath as she nurses in her sleep. Mabel is napping in her crib and Matt is resting on the couch, because after a morning family ride up the gondola to play in some snow and watch Santa from afar, we all need some rest. I, however, have a rough time sleeping in the middle of the day, especially when all I can see around me are unfinished projects and deadlines. I wish I could just stick Juniper (the baby-oh ya, forgot to mention, we had a baby 🙂 ) in the ergo and go for it, but I know little Miss takes better naps lying on her side, so I’m here. The projects around me include packing boxes, packing bags for our Christmas vacation as well as our Maui trip AND our camping trip, deep cleaning the corners to get ready for movers, finish using all our groceries and pack away non-perishables, etc. There are so many things, and here I am googling “what do to when stuck under a nursing babe.” So I figured if I was able to wiggle one hand free while she continues to nurse I could write, which I haven’t done much of the past few months.


We have been busy in the weirdest, craziest ways! After our summer camping trip to the interior and Salt Spring in the June/July, we came home where Matt upped his hours at work and continued doing house renovations. Parents came to visit for a couple months, and we had a baby girl! Matt continued to work 6-7 days a week while coming to reno, resting in small moments when there was little left of him. But we knew if we wanted o travel next year, this is what would have to be done. So now we are in the final home stretch of crazy before our travel, which is just over a week away! Where are we going? Here’s a rough timeline . . .

Dec 11-Jan14: Springfield for Christmas (FAMILYTIME LIKE WHOA!!!)

Jan14-Jan17: Squamish to drop our winter clothes & grab our beach clothes . . .

Jan17-March19: Maui!!! Staying at the YWAM base where Matt and I met. Bringing the girls there is going to be so surreal and wonderful.

March19-first week of April: Squamish to celebrate Mabel’s second birthday, see family, and pack up our trailer . . .

April: Head south with our little camper! We bought a 14′ fibreglass 1979 beachcomber trailer (which we’ve affectionately named Ethel Beavers), and we are heading south to properly skip the rest of winter and the silly rainy spring. From here on out things get a bit fuzzy, but we know we want to be in Southern California, Arizona, New Mexico, etc and only head back north through the National Parks when he weather cooperates and warms up. 🙂


So needless to say (Even though I’ve already said it?!) we’ve been busy! I hope to write more after our first flight is taken off and I can breathe a little bit more, as well as have some time to reflect. Since Juniper was born, I feel like our main goals have been to get the house ready for renters, pack, purge, as well as heal from having a baby, and I haven’t don’t much reflecting on this new season our family is coming into. A season where Mabel isn’t our baby, but a full-blown toddler who has stolen our hearts with her sense of humour, adventure, and wide vocabulary. A season where I can again savour the small moments of having a small baby, and the wonder and innocence she is. A season where I can again look at my amazing husband, a man who works tirelessly for our family, and spend some time together as friends, lovers, adventure-buddies, partners, playmates, and most importantly, as a brother in Christ. Focusing on what God has in store for us will be amazing!


Anyway, enough words. Here are a few family photos that my brother took when he visited us a while ago. Thanks Evan! I’m in love with them!

Davies Fam-1Davies Fam-3Davies Fam-5Davies Fam-8Davies Fam-13Davies Fam-14Davies Fam-15Davies Fam-17Davies Fam-18Davies Fam-21Davies Fam-25Davies Fam-29Davies Fam-35Davies Fam-38Davies Fam-41

My Wildflower.

I've come to the conclusion that my daughter, sweet thing that she is, isn't the most delicate of flowers, even though we may call her that from time to time. Sure, she is delicate in the fact that she is a baby and a lady, but in all reality, she is more of a wildflower. And if I'm completely honest, I really love that about her.

There is so much spunk and fire in her, spit and vinegar, that translates into a constancy of movement, talking, and exploring. She would rather be outside, picking flowers, digging in the dirt (and probably eating some), finding water and jumping right in, collecting rocks, running, falling, climbing, and finding her way around the world.

Sitting, watching, and not being involved aren't things that she jives with, and would rather get up and be with you or involved in the story somehow. Which at home can be great, but at library story time probably isn't the best for the other kids, who may I add, are all sitting listening quietly while my child tries to sit on the leader's lap, or grab another book to read, or trying to pet all the kids' hair, or playing with another kid's fun looking socks, etc. We sang some songs, then barely made it through the half-hour, only with the promise of going to the park for swings and slides afterward. But while this can be exhausting (and yes, it is especially exhausting at 37 weeks pregnant!), I still love it. She is bursting with personality that I do not want to hinder in any way. No that doesn't mean I don't direction and discipline, but that's a whole other topic. This is just me celebrating my child's crazy spunkiness.

She is teaching me about letting go. I encourage her to explore new things, to act silly and express herself, and as I do this, I wondering if I allow myself the same. I came to this reality when we were having a dance party in the kitchen, me putting on some weirdo dance music and telling her to dance, but not really dancing myself. She started, then stopped, as if wondering why I wasn't dancing either. When I realized this, I actually started dancing, jumping around and spinning in circles with my hands above my head, singing along to the music. When she saw this, she got a huge smile on her beautiful face and followed suit, dancing and laughing and spinning. What did I expect from her if I wasn't going to play and dance with her? I do not want to be so caught up in my adulthood and my "important things" that I forget to play and dance with her. And it was wonderful to see her expression change when I joined in. It was as if through my joining and playing, I was giving her permission to do what she wanted to do, and she adored it. Permission to dance and be free and express the joy that was erupting from her tiny self. Permission to be the wildflower that she is.

Some Real Talk. . . Just a Bit. 

First let me start by saying I’m sorry if this grey post isn’t what you wear searching for. There are many sparkling blogs out there, full of DIYs & glitter & new favourite things. And don’t get me wrong! I love me some sunshine happy blogs. It’s just that in this season, I’d rather be honest than veneered. 

I spoke with my midwife a few weeks ago about how I was feeling, the not myself, anxious, overwhelmed at everything irritable, etc person that ISN’T WHO I REALLY AM! But I couldn’t seem to find a way out. After our chat, and her giving me a brief test, she told me I had postpartum depression. Ummm . . . Ok. I honestly thought postpartum depression was just something you had if you had zero connection with your baby and wanted to hurt someone. Apparently not, and it can come delayed, like in my case. Combined with the seasonal depression I have been dealing with and pregnancy hormones, it’s been an internal tornado of sorts. But I feel like there is some sort of reason now that I have been grappling with this, and it’s not just a pity party that has lasted for months and months. I feel like I have been able to say, “Ok, what now?” And actually have somewhere to turn. I have been getting acupuncture, chatting with someone, letting go of responsibility and trying to not allow myself to feel guilty about not overdoing everything. It’s hard to let go of responsibility when you have a little person whom you are responsible for 24/7, but I’ve been trying. 

(BTW, this picture above is more from recently. It was from last summer when warm bones were a thing we had occasionally.)

I am also trying to be more grateful about everything. I know, this is an attitude thing that some people see as a fix all, and i know its not, but I know it will help (hopefully?). I am trying to notice the little things that used to make my heart flutter, the ones that spark joy and send a secret smile to my lips. I am noticing that some of my favourite walking trails AREN’T covered in ice anymore, and we can go for walks sometimes. I am noticing the small wiggles and kicks from the baby in my belly, kicks that are especially excited when Mabel is snuggled up on my belly (I think they are excited to meet their big sister!). I am noticing more how selfless my husband is as he works hard at his job, then comes home and helps me out, whether that means reading a story to Mabel or doing the dishes while I sit after putting Mabel to bed, trying to alleviate pregnant back pain; he’s the best. 

And I debated sharing this here, because I don’t want to feel like I have to constantly apologize for not being a happy person all the time. But I would rather go on this journey knowing that the few souls that read this are with me in a way, and I’m not alone in this. I also hope that someone else who is struggling with postpartum depression will find comfort in a companion on the journey. I still want to share snippets of life, as well as snippets of the fight. Because I feel like that is what I am in right now: a fight for joy. 

I hear the babes stirring and starting to fuss in the other room; she’s up from her 30 minute nap (because she is a fan of the short nap and I don’t know how to fix it). So I’m off. Thanks for being here. 

11 months . . . So belated. ;) 

I took these photos the day Mabel turned 11 months old and had full intentions of posting them later that evening. Then life happened, and here we are 9 days before my sweet girl’s first birthday, and I’m still playing catch-up. Isn’t that the story of our lives though? She’s changed even from these pictures! But I love them. She has so much spunk and personality these days! Growing so much more into the little girl and woman she’s going to be. Man oh man, I can’t believe I get to be her mama. 

What We’re Eating. {05.03.2017}

Happy Sunday morning! It’s snowing here . . . Again. SO there’s that. 

Just in case you can’t tell, I’m not impressed, I’m thoroughly over snow, and I can’t wait for winter to be over. If anyone needs me I’ll be hibernating, dreaming up grilled salads and planning my garden on paper and waiting for the ground to thaw, again. RANT OVER. 

Thanks to all who read my last post. I’ve been in a weird place lately, and I’m just trying to suss it all out and figure out how to be me again. The snow doesn’t help, but I’m trying not to let that call the shots. 

But I’d rather not blather on about my melancholy state, I’d rather talk to you about what we’re eating this week! I’ve had so many people ask how I meal plan, where I get ideas, how I stick to our budget, etc. I ever had the privilege to meet and chat with a few ladies and we got to chat about our lives and how we plan for our families. It’s so fun! Seriously, if there wa a way to make money doing this, I would do it in a heart beat. So if you or if anyone you know wants someone to meet with them and create a personal plan and budget for them, let me know. 🙂 

But in the meantime, I’m going to share what we are eating! I have it written out on my planner so I can see what the day holds as keep in my sight what we are eating, so if there is any prep or anythng that needs to be done (pull things from freezer, start dough, etc) it can be done and I’m not stuck come 5pm. 

Monday: Stirfry over Rice (broccoli, carrots, chickpea, ginger, coconut milk)

Tuesday (communal small group potluck): Stuffed Sweet Potatoes (baked sweet potato boats stuffed with sauteed peppers, mushrooms, onions, & spinach, topped with avocado & cilantro after baking)

Wednesday: Fried Buttermilk Chicken  Biscuits wth Pickled Vegetables & Smoked Sea Salt Pecan & Bourbon Butterscotch Ice Cream Cake

Thursday: Carrot Ginger Soup & Bread (or leftover biscuits)

Friday: Chicken Salad (romaine, spiralized zucchini, grated carrots, chicken)

Saturday: Pantry Pad Thai (rice noodles, almond butter chili sauce, veggies)

Sunday: Leftovers!

On one hand it may look like I’m making a big dinner every night, but I’m not. We are only having meat twice this week (two days of chicken) and there are only two-three nights that I have to use recipes. If every night has me peeking into a cookbook while I have a small child wrapped around my legs while I’m fixing dinner, then even I wouldn’t be able to enjoy that every night! ANd that’s coming from someone who loves cooking. 🙂 Stir frys dont require a recipe-they are chopped veg into a pan, meat or chickpea/bean/lentils added, add soy and coconut milk if you’re in the mood, and season to taste. There you have it-mindless meal. 🙂 Stuffed sweet potatoes are just what they sound like, and they can be made ahead of time and popped into the oven on a baking try before people arrive. Soup needs a recipe sometimes, but carrot ginger is a classic that needs little explaining (sauté onion and garlic, add carrots, add broth and spices, blend, add coconut milk, blend again, season to taste). Plus, the soup can be made ahead of time, which is great because Matt will be holding down the fort with dinner and putting mabel to bed while I go to worship practice. Chicken salad is self explainatory. The only nights I will need recipes are Wednesday and Saturday! Wednesday night is our date night, and we go all out (as you can see!). We eat after Mabel goes to bed, and I have prep for the evening lined up a few days before hand so I’m not overwhelmed the day of (I have a wonderful book called “Date Night In” which I’ve mentioned before, but its worth mentioning again, because we love it!) On Saturday night I’m pulling a recipe from “Everyday Detox” by Megan Gilmore; everything I’ve made from this cookbook has been stellar so far! Can’t wait to try this new recipe and new sauce. 

This is a snapshot of my meal plan and grocery list-it’s my brain when it comes to food for the week. 

I hope this inspires you! Feel free to steal it all; I love sharing it with you. 🙂 Have a great evening! 

Musings from Not-Myself, by Me. 

Can I be frank? I have not been the best version of myself lately. In fact, I haven’t even been a good version of myself, or an average one. I feel as if I have been barely eeking by, somehow managing to pull off being an ok member of society, and ok just meaning I haven’t robbed a bank lately or mugged anyone in an alley. Other than that, I haven’t been nice. I haven’t been myself, the girl who finds the glass half full and sunshine in the details, but rather a dark, scowling creature who someone has a resting b*tch-face rather than a contented one. I feel like I used to have some kind of sparkle, and I’ve lost it somewhere along the way. 

And I have blamed many things, seasonal depression, delayed postpartum hormones, first trimester new baby hormones, sleep deprevation, and the list goes on and on.  And while indeed those many things added up may be to blame, I still feel helpless as to how to fix it. And what is frustrating is I know the line that comes next from all the do-gooders out there that will want to say, “It just a change in attitude, then everything will be better!” Believe you me, I have tried/am still trying my hardest to have a better attitude about everything. Gritting through my teeth at the snow storm while everyone is “oohing” and “aahing” at the mounds of fluff, mustering up the words, “Yes, it’s beautiful,” all the while thinking how long it’s going to take to melt, how icy and gross everything will be until then, and the cold. Trying to tell myself that spring and summer will be here soon, but I know in reality that REAL spring is just more rain, and summer doesn’t arrive until mid-June or July, and even then there is a good chance it’s not going to get crazy warm. Maybe I should buck up? Just embrace it? Oh how I’ve tried on countless occasions, and it leaves me dreaming of a real spring (the kind with warm and sun and a handful of rain storms and garden planting and the start of sun-kissed shoulders and cheeks) and a real summer (the kind that get wonderfully hot and all you want to do is hike and swim in the lake and sun bath while reading and grill all your food outside and camp and never be inside again). I know those really don’t exist here, and that leaves me a bit dreamy and sad. 

In the midst of this, I open up my Bible and study book in the morning to have devotions in the morning, searching for something that will be a hopeful balm to my soul. I have read and re-read through scriptures that I know by heart, prayed through prayers that are familiar, and also tried to read passages that I haven’t ventured into studying before, and writing out frank, honest prayers. It usually ends up being a plea of some sort, in the nature of “Ok, I’m here, and I’m trying, and I’m stuck, and I don’t know how to fix this so . . . help? Please?” At which point Mabel is usually done with breakfast and needs to be thoroughly wiped down from her oatmeal or peanut butter costume which she has painted all over herself. I clean her up and take her into the nursery to get ready for the day, feeling stuck in the same funk I woke up in, a sort of fog where there is no promise of sunshine beneath or above the clouds. 

I say all this from a place of deep vulnerability. I don’t like being in tears regularly because I don’t know how to fix this. I am trying to be better, and that quickly spirals into a semi self-loathing chant of “Be a better person, be a better person . . . ”  whic isn’t really what I am going for either. I don’t have an answer. And I very rarely share this with anyone, because if I share snippets, I start welling with tears, and I get the pity stare. You know the one, the stare of someone who doesn’t really know what you’re talking about, but feels bad for you, but doesn’t really know what to say either. They just look at you with sad eyes and wait for you to say something else, or say something that will wrap up your confession with a neat little bow. Bad news, guys: no neat little bow, just the hard truth from an honest lady. 

If this resonates with you at all, awesome; you’re not the only one out there! If it doesn’t that’s ok too; I appreciate you listening to my ramblings until the end of this.